The End of Babyhood

Today I took my baby to Pre-K.  My last little boy headed off to new adventures in this big world and left his Mommy crying at the classroom door.  Silas has been my companion while the other boys were in school, he's been my little helper, my buddy, my cuddle bug, and my "baby" for the past 5 years.  He is the Mama's Boy of the family.  Daddy may brush his teeth, but only Mommy can tuck him in.  Only Mommy can bandage his scrapes and hold him when he hurts. He tells me daily that I am beautiful, pretty, and sweet.  Just yesterday he said, "I love you to infinity google and back.  And you can't get more than that!"

I walked into my home this afternoon and the silence was literally deafening. I stood for a long time in the living room just letting the tears fall.  I was unsure of what to do with myself.  No one is here to ask for a snack, or tell me that his brother is bothering him.  Today was the first time in nine years that I stood alone in my home.  Truly... the first!  I've had little boys attached to my person and telling me stories, telling on each other, asking for help, etc... for nine years.   I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I feel so empty and sad today.  Friends tell me that I will start loving the alone time and I'll be amazed at how much can be accomplished while the boys are away.  I can't say that I really believe that yet, not today anyway.  For now I'm just ready for 3:00 when I can get in the car and pick up those loud, rowdy, bundles of sweetness from school.  I've never been one to wish for the day that preschool would start, or send my little ones to school when they were just toddlers so I could have some time to myself.  I have waited, with each boy, until the bitter end.  Until I absolutely had to let go, and that is breaking my heart today as I sit in my quiet house.  I love watching them grow and mature, yet it's so painful too.  It's just going by at lightning speed and I wish I could just make it all slow down.  Just for a while, so I could hold on to these days.  

Babyhood is gone forever in the Cunningham household.  I wasn't ready for this day to come.  It arrived much to quickly for me.  It seems as though I was just holding Silas as an infant and singing to him as I rocked him each night.  He would sing along, making sweet little cooing noises even as young as six months old.  I remember holding him sometimes long after he had fallen asleep, and breaking all those rules in the "getting your newborn to sleep" books because I knew he was my last baby and time would go by way too fast.   Here it is, five years later and our lives are changing, his and mine.  I'm trying hard to let go of the past and look forward to seeing what God has planned for our futures, and Silas is  embracing Big Boyhood, while making sure that his Mommy is still close by just in case he needs her.  What an indescribable gift I have been given.  Three precious faced little boys to care for and love.  I've seen every milestone and wiped every tear and given and received thousands of kisses, thanks to a husband who has worked so hard to make sure I am home with them.  I am truly blessed beyond measure, and will be eternally grateful to God and my husband for this incredible journey through Babyhood.