Insults and "Love Taps"

I have always told people that if there was a camera in my car during the drive to school and back, I would have my own reality show on TLC.  It never fails.. every day... twice a day... we get in the car to drive to school and all of a sudden my car becomes The Ultimate Fighting Death Match Arena hurling down the street at  50 miles per hour.  A perfectly harmless SUV transforms into a capsule of slaps, scratches, pinches and insults being hurled at each other.   I've discovered over the years that it usually starts with our youngest, Silas.  It began when he was just a wee child of age two.  We had just turned him around to be front facing in his car seat with an older brother on each side.  As I was driving one day, I heard the older two crying, screaming, and yelling.  I looked in my rear view mirror to see a big smile on Silas's face as he stared straight ahead through the front windshield.  His arms had suddenly turned into helicopter type propellers as he was slapping the daylights out of each brother on his left and on his right.  The older boys were smashing themselves into the car doors trying to get as far away as possible, while Silas looked straight head, helicopter arms swirling, scratching and slapping his brothers, with a look of triumph and glorious power on his face.  Since that day, Silas has always felt the need to get the party started, so to speak, when he feels like the car ride needs a little spice.

I cannot recall one car trip that was silent and peaceful.  There seems to always be an altercation.  In fact, I have grown so weary of it that in my desperate attempt to get them to stop I have made up a song that I sing loudly and obnoxiously for them to hear over their fighting.  It goes a little something like this, "It's so fun to beat up your brother.... It's so fun to pinch and poke and fight!  It's so fun to beat up your brother... it's so fun to fight with all your might... YEE-HAW!"  It works every time.  They stop fighting and turn their attention to me... "Stop singing that Mom"!   and "I don't wike (like) that song!"  And one day, Zane laid this one on me, "I wish God made you not to sing!"  Ahhh, the power of song.  It's my secret weapon.

On a recent trip to school, it was quiet, children looking out the window at the scenery, when Silas felt the need to "get the party started".  He reached over and slapped Greyson on the arm. A hard and stinging slap.  Naturally Greyson yelled at him, and Silas responded with "Wove Tap!"  (love tap).   Yeah... I don't think so.  Neither did Greyson.  So the fighting started.  And the insults.  One of Silas's most commonly used insults is "you are a poo-poo stinky gutty!"  (as in guts).   We hear this one all the time.  Here's how the fight went down on that particular 10 minute car ride to school:

The death slap from Silas to get things started... a yell from Greyson with a return "love tap" slap,  "Stop it Greyson you poo-poo- stinky gutty!"  Greyson replied "You're the stinky gutty!"   Zane in the back yelling "Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!"  More hitting, slapping and pinching between Silas and Greyson until Zane came to Greyson's defense and reached over his seat to slap Silas.  "Zane you're a stinky gutty!"  "Stop it Silas"   Then Silas threw in a new insult that he hadn't used before (thanks to the movie "Despicable Me").  He looked at Greyson and yelled "Zip it Happy Meal!"   And there I am, at the wheel, about to go bonkers and started singing at the top of my lungs..... "It's so fun to beat up your brother...."   I only got one line out before Silas yells, "Mom!  You're giving me a headache!"   What?  What was that I just heard?  I'm giving YOU a headache?  I'm the one that has an IV of Excedrin in my arm 24/7 and I'm giving YOU a headache?!?  Finally, the car ride is over.  We pull up to the curb, let the two older ones out for school as I'm calling, "Love you punkins!  Have a great day lovebugs!  I'll miss you!"   As we leave the school parking lot, Silas smiles and in a voice sweet as sugar.... "Mommy, can we go to Starbucks?"